The Elevator
by Chanel N
Summary: A little two-shot I came up with. A dark comedy with a bit of Fem!Shep/Tali flirtation and a Miranda beat-down for flavor. Rated T for Jack's mouth and a little violence. Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: If you have already read my story then first I wanna say I love you sooo much, also I edited one sentence in this because it was thought to be offensive. I don't want anyone to be offended by my work so I gladly removed it-I thought it was funny but it offended someone so it's gone. Nothing else is different in the story and, as promised, chapter two will be up later today. For those who have no clue what I'm talking about and haven't read, Welcome! Enjoy.**

**I only own my Shepard's sexy face…nothing else. **

Shepard was not happy. There was no doubt about it. The reason for her foul mood was two floors up sitting her gigantic ass in that comfy leather chair of hers. She was angry because ever since they had gotten back from the Omega 4 Relay, Miranda hadn't shut that genetically altered mouth of hers. Actually, the unnecessary talking from Miss Lawson started way before the ship even made it to the relay and continued on throughout the entire mission. After practically begging the Commander for something to do, Shepard allowed Miranda to lead the fire team, a task she planned to give to Jacob. Afterwards, the look of smug satisfaction on Miranda's face after she, barely, kept the fire team alive made Shepard want to leave the Cerberus operative on that Collector ship. It took every fiber of her being no to, but she was a major Paragon damn it and she just couldn't do it. For now, she would just make dumb jokes from a distance away as to avoid unnecessary conflict.

"Shepard, I can make that biotic shield for us cuz I'm Miranda and I have super sexy epic fail powers." Shepard mocked the woman in probably the greatest Australian accent ever heard by Jack's ears.

"HA! Shepard, that was perfection." Jack said with a very creepy grin. Shepard made a mental note to never make jack happy again, it was just too creepy.

"Well what can I say, I'm a woman with many talents," she said with a small shrug. "I'm serious though, are you two really going to fight? I mean I really wouldn't mind getting in on that. She's really been on my nerves lately and I would love the chance to pound her Cerberus loving face in."

"Oh, you don't really mean that, Shepard. Right?" Shepard's temper cooled at the sight of the young quarian making her way down the steps. Apparently Tali had overheard the two women's conversation and decided to join in. Not that Shepard was complaining of course. She had jokingly called Tali her "stalker" because of the fact that, on her workspace, Tali had a picture of herself, Shepard, Ashley and Engineer Adams folded in half so it just showed Tali and Shepard. Shepard of course teased her for it but secretly the commander was very flattered. She also loved how embarrassed Tali got when she called her that. Cruel? Yes. Fun? Definitely.

"I really don't like that woman Tali. I know it sounds odd coming from me but if she disappeared off the face of the galaxy tomorrow, I wouldn't even flinch." She didn't show it but Shepard herself was a little surprised by her statement. Never before had she felt pure hatred for anyone. The angriest she could get towards someone could be described as "extreme dislike", but nothing more.

"Damn ,Shepard, who knew there was this dark, crazy, awesome side of you" Jack was practically drooling at the thought of herself and Shepard beating Miranda to a pulp.

"Well I don't like it, Shepard. You really shouldn't say things like that. What if something bad actually happened to her? You would probably feel really bad for saying these things, so as a friend I'm suggesting you stop." Tali said, a bit surprised at how confident she sounded considering the fact that she was no more than five feet from the two time savior of the galaxy and possibly the strongest (and most psychotic) biotic, in said galaxy.

"Alright, alright I get it, _mom_. Jeez don't have a space cow, Tali. Come on I'll take you back to your station, I'm heading that way anyway." Shepard said goodnight to Jack and walked her quarian friend upstairs. She planned on having a serious conversation with Tali about drive cores or whatever she was always "cleaning" when Shepard came to talk, but instead Miranda plagued her mind the entire way there. She realized that what Tali said really didn't affect her, she only stopped talking about because she was scaring Tali. Quite frankly, she was a little concerned about it too. Her emotions were all out of whack and she had been imagining some very awful things involving Miranda all day. It was insanity! Miranda hadn't actually done anything today-well not that she knew of, she hadn't spoken to her at all- just the thought of Miranda starting a fight with her made her blood boil, it also kind of excited her. She came to the sudden realization that she wanted this. She wanted to end Miranda and to do it soon. There were very few things that made Shepard angry. They were just general things that made most people angry like; cockiness, bossiness, Australian accents, tight body suits, random ass shots and other normal things like that. Tali was totally wrong on this, Shepard was sure that this little issue wouldn't go beyond immature jokes and dreams of extreme misfortune befalling Miranda. Everything would be fine.

"Shepard? Hellooo! Anyone in there?" Tali waved a three fingered-or two and one thumb if you want to get technical- hand in front of the commander.

"What, what did I miss?" She said in a daze, she studied her surroundings-how in the world did she end up by the drive core?

"Well, you missed the entire walk up here and apparently you didn't hear a word I said. You weren't thinking of _her_ again, were you?" she said with her arms crossed over her chest.

"Of course not, that's preposterous!" _Ok that didn't work_. "Tali, you know you're the only girl for me." _There we go_.

Ken and Gabby were just a short distance away and Shepard thought Ken's neck would break at how fast he looked over to them.

"Cut it out Shepard!" Tali said in a hushed voice. Now how she managed to yell and whisper at the same time, Shepard would never know. She didn't care though, she had accomplished her goal, Tali was mortified. Shepard would sleep comfortably tonight. "Shepard listen to me, I really don't want you thinking about this anymore. It's only a matter of time until thoughts or words become something more"

Shepard contemplated Tali's statement for a moment before responding with a confused expression, "Wait, I'm confused, are we talking about Miranda or our relationship?"

"Keelah, Shepard could you be serious for just one minute!"

"Tali, I'm of course joking, I'm just trying to be chill about this because you need to chill out," She grabbed Tali by the hand. "You know me better than most people on this ship so you should know that joking is how I operate. It is kind of a human thing but you've been around us long enough to see how weird we are, you should understand."

Tali giggled at that, it was the most adorable thing Shepard had heard all day. "Alright Shepard, I understand. Now I really should clean up this engine. Talk later?"

"Alright Tali, I'll leave you alone. But I can get a kiss goodnight right?" She said with a wolfish grin.

"Get out!" Tali looked for something to throw while Shepard made a successful escape to the elevator.

"Man I'm good." Shepard made her way to the crew deck as she was very hungry. Flirting with shipmates really gave her the munchies. Also she might actually get a kiss goodnight from Thane. She wondered if flirting with almost ALL of her crew would come to bite her in the ass one day.

"Nah" she said as the elevator doors finally opened. She walked-or swayed rather, she just had to put a show on for the random crew scattered around the deck- to the fridge where she discovered quite possibly the most amazing piece of cake she had ever seen. After she ate it, she felt as though she could take on the Reapers right then. But she wouldn't risk it so instead she went to the elevator to get to bed before the "M" word could resurface into her thoughts. As she stepped inside, she heard footsteps behind her. Loud ones, like the person was wearing heels. "Please be Samara, please, please be the awesome blue alien…" but sadly her pleas went unanswered as Miranda-who looked a bit surprised to see Shepard standing there- entered the elevator.

That's when things started to get odd. Suddenly, Shepard started to shake and her vision turned red. Everything Miranda had ever said that irritated her started clouding her mind. _I was designed to be perfect, I report to the Illusive Man, Cerberus is right, I'm right, Jack was a mistake…_ It was too much for the commander and she finally snapped. She turned towards Miranda, who was fumbling with the elevator controls trying to escape. She looked at Shepard and flared her biotics, Shepard smiled and lunged at the woman. _This ends now._

And that's when Shepard blacked out.


	2. Chapter 2

"Woah. What happened?" Shepard awoke some time later on the floor, halfway in the elevator and halfway out. She lifted her head to see "Captains Quarters" in large white print on the wall in front of her. She slowly stood and stretched as she was suddenly feeling very sore. She couldn't remember much of her elevator ride except that Miranda may have been there. Hey there's a good sign, she didn't flip out at the thought of Miranda. "Cake can cure anything" she chuckled. At that moment she could have sworn someone said 'The cake is a lie' but she must have imagined it.

She walked to her door and when she reached for the console command to open it she noticed that her knuckles were swollen and bruised. She didn't feel the pain until now, it was awful. It was then that she noticed that there was a trail of blood that went from where she was standing, to the elevator-which for some reason was still on her floor. _Oh no…Oh God, no…" _She went to the elevator and almost fainted at what she saw. There, dead on the floor was her (former) XO, Miranda Lawson. Her face had been beaten to the point where it was practically concave. Both of her arms were broken as was her neck. It took Shepard a few moments to put it all together and realize that she herself had killed Miranda in cold blood.

"Oh man, oh man, oh man..." She repeated as she ran to grab some towels and sheets from the cabin. She never actually had to dispose of a body so she just rolled her up in her sheets-which she _just_ bought- and set Lawson on the floor of the bedroom. Shepard grabbed some cleaning solution from the bathroom and started to clean up the gory mess in the elevator. All she could think of was the fallout from this. _What will Anderson think? What will my friends think? Oh jeez what will mom think?_ _Oh snap I forgot about TIM! Fuuuuu..." _She couldn't tell them, any of them. There was only one person she could turn to. She walked to the intercom on her desk and selected a room on the engineering level of the ship. _She's the only one I can talk to."_

Shepard paced in front of the elevator waiting for the young woman to arrive on her floor. As she waited she tried to piece together what exactly happened, but she just couldn't remember. All she knew was that she felt like a monster. "I guess Tali was right. Damn."The elevator finally got to Shepard's floor and she ran to pull the woman inside into a tight embrace.

"What the hell Shepard? Get off of me!" Jack tried to pry the commander off but stopped once she saw Shepard's face. "Wow, you look like shit. What happened to-" She was cut off when Shepard grabbed her by the wrist and pulled her into the cabin. Shepard motioned to the floor and Jack froze when she saw the bloody sheets on the floor.

"Is that…"

"Yeah, it is." Shepard said, suddenly regretting bringing Jack into all of this. Jack's response wasn't exactly what Shepard expected, but she wasn't really surprised.

"What the hell Shepard! I totally called killing her once our mission was done with! Damn it!" Jack was throwing a tantrum like she was five and Shepard had taken the last cookie.

"Jack. This is serious. What am I going to do about the body? What am I going to say to the crew?" Shepard was in full panic mode now. This was a really bad day. It was probably because of that damn cake she ate.

"Simple. We carry the body to Zaeed's place and send her out the garbage disposal. We should go now though, while everyone is sleeping." Jack said unworriedly.

Shepard was baffled. "Did you just come up with that? It sounded kind of…thought out."

"No I planned it a long ass time ago. But since _someone_ had to go and kill her before me…"

"Jack, please stop talking. Let's just do this before I puke or something." Shepard decided that after this, she was raiding Chakwas' liquor cabinet. Probably not the best solution for an upset stomach, but that's what the women in Vaenia did, so she would do the same.

When the deed was done, Jack told Shepard that if people asked questions to 'lie your ass off and if they ask more questions, just kill 'em'. Jack was really bad at making people feel better. The women parted ways and went back to their respective floors.

Days passed and rumors and questions were abuzz. Shepard felt terrible about what happened and tried to limit all contact with anyone on board. She avoided most of her crew and rarely left her cabin. She did hear a few rumors that were floating around, most involved Jack (no surprise there). There was one in particular that was spreading fast, 'I heard that Jack and Jacob were lovers and Jack killed Miranda to eliminate temptation on Jacob's part. I also heard that Shepard was dating Miranda and that she would kill Jacob for revenge." That one almost gave her an aneurism. Her crew thought she was into girls? They thought her and Miranda had a 'thing'? They were all crazy, she would kind of understand if they thought her and Tali had something going on, but Miranda? No. That one also freaked her out because it involved both the culprit _and_ the accomplice, though how Jacob ended up in the equation, she would never know.

Shepard had been holed up in her cabin for at least twenty hours, stuck with her thoughts and her space hamster, Admiral Squishycheeks. She felt like Sidonis, she couldn't eat, she couldn't sleep, every night she could see Miranda's bloody face, yelling at her and accusing her…actually she couldn't but it was good for dramatic effect. She couldn't take it anymore, she had to tell him.

"Joker! I'm heading to the comm. room, get me the Illusive Man immediately."

"But I…"

"Now, Lieutenant!" This had to be done now while she still felt like a bad ass. TIM had to know that his little cheerleader was dead. It would be just like telling soldier's parents that their children were KIA. Hey, maybe it would be easier.

In the communications room the table in the middle of the room sank, as did Shepard's confidence. She waited for a moment and finally stepped in to come face to virtual face with the Illusive Man. Right as she began to explain herself, he interrupted her.

"Shepard, I know what happened and I'd like for you to know that it's not your fault." She moved closer to his holographic form.

"What? How do you even know? How else could she have died, I was in there with her the whole time. Well I think I was…I don't remember much." She ran her fingers through her hair and thought hard. Nope, still couldn't remember the elevator ride.

"Shepard, you did it against your will. Please allow me to explain."

She looked very confused but realized that he wouldn't begin until she told him to, which was good because she needed to collect her thoughts. She sat cross-legged on the floor-he gave her an odd look but sat in his chair as she told him he could begin.

Shepard, when you blew up the collector base and turned your back on my and destroyed the collector ship against my orders, I was beyond furious. But I also couldn't help but be impressed by your courage. However, when Miranda disobeyed me, I immediately wanted her dead. I felt that there was no use for her anymore so I planned on having her assassinated. You should know that she came to me and apologized to me and tried to get me to take her back."

"Why did you need to tell me that? I knew that she couldn't be trusted."

"You need to know because she offered to kill you as a favor to me." Shepard looked stunned, but he continued. "I told her that was unnecessary, but I could tell that her mind had been set."

"But what about the elevator? Hell, I may be strong, but I doubt I could beat her one-on-one without my armor and my shotgun and my particle beam and Thane and…"

"Let me finish, Shepard. Later that day she made a request for a device that could aid her in her task. I sent her a chip that she thought would kill you and make it look natural. It actually was a control chip that manipulated your feelings against a specified target. Obviously that target was Miranda. Once you were alone with her it sent waves to your brain that overwhelmed you and it completely took over your actions for however long it took to eliminate her."

"What about the chip? Where is it?"

"It's probably still on your neck, but I promise you it is defective now."

She gave him a suspicious look but found it where he said it would be and threw it to the ground. "Wow. I really don't know what to say. I'm pissed that I was basically your weapon of mass destruction but I'm also a little flattered that you would go to such lengths to keep me alive."

"Well, someone has to pay me those four billion credits back."

"Are you kidding me!" But he was gone and the table started to rise. When she left the room her omni-tool started to glow and she saw that she had a message from TIM, it was a letter that she was supposed to read to the squad.

"Joker, tell the crew to meet in the mess hall in ten." _Better get this over with._

"Aye, aye commander"

A while later, the entire _Normandy_ crew was gathered in the mess hall waiting for their commander to begin her speech, when she took her place near the counter they all fell silent.

"I've called you all here today to discuss the absence of my Executive Officer, Miranda Lawson. I also must apologize for being so reclusive lately and not checking on you all like I normally do. I have been very stressed lately and I feel that if I'm not at my best then I'm in no position to provide any of you with assistance to my fullest abilities. But back to the reason why I've called you all here. I received an e-mail from Miss Lawson explaining her absence, I'd like to read it to you all." She began to read the note aloud.

'Shepard, I apologize for my sudden disappearance. I fear that my sister and I may be in danger and I didn't want anyone else to get caught up in this mess. You already helped me a great deal and trusted me when others did not, so I'm going to handle this myself. I'm going somewhere safe so myself and Oriana can live in peace, I'm going to try and give her a (somewhat) normal life. Something I always craved but could never have. Thank you, Shepard, and stay safe. Miranda."

Shepard thought the note was completely unbelievable considering that Miranda seemed more of a 'front lines' kind of girl. But apparently the crew bought it so she was satisfied. "You are all dismissed" The crew broke off into different groups and spoke quietly to each other while Tali made her way over to Shepard.

"Hello Shepard, I haven't seen you in a while." She said while fumbling with her fingers, an action associated with nervousness.

"What's the matter Tali?"

"Just some of the things I heard were…less than pleasant to say the least."

"Oh don't worry your pretty little head about it. Everything's fine now, I promise. Let's go to my cabin and talk about what you've heard." She said with a smirk.

"Shepard." She warned

"Oh my gosh it's a joke. Would you-"

"Shepard. Glad I caught you. May we speak in private?" Mordin walked Shepard to the side of the room while she motioned for Tali to wait a moment.

"What's up Mordin?" She wanted to get this over with, she had flirting to do.

"Was just curious as to why I found traces of Ms. Lawson's blood and hair in the elevator."

To her credit, she didn't even flinch, she just shot him a deadly glare and said, "I don't know Doctor, but I suggest you keep this to yourself unless you want to end up just like her." He actually didn't speak for more than five seconds. Nice.

She walked-or skipped- back to Tali and made her way to her cabin as the Normandy set a course for the Citadel. Shepard needed more cake.

And so the _Normandy-_minus one member- continued on as usual as Miranda's body landed on one of Uranus' moons and they all lived happily ever after.

The End.

**A/N: Oh my gosh, that was wayyy longer than expected. Thanks for the love folks and be on the lookout for my next story which I planned on writing immediately but my body is protesting. Also I think I'm going to change my first chap. to the way it originally was but idk. Hope you liked it!**

**Edit: I love how you can tell where I lost interest and BS'd my way through the rest of the Fic. Ah well, Next time It'll be better. See ya!**

**Edit 2: Meh…I don't like it anymore. I don't like doing serious stuff involving TIM and Cerberus but I just had to put this out there. Much love, C.**


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